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December 7, 2004
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                     When the fog drifts in,
                     Engulfing my dreams,
                     Shadowing all reason, all purpose.

                     It magnifies doubt,
                     Leaving me gasping and empty.

                     There lies no hope,
                     No trust,
                     No thought,
                     No love.

                     Its bitterness rings shrill in my ears,
                     The harsh sound of one thing,
                     A thing that lies hidden inside.

                     As a dormant virus... it attacks.
                     Breaking me down,
                     Breaking me into pieces
                     scattered hopelessly, without any regard.

                     This loneliness,
                     I thought,
                     Had won.

                     But then through the mist,
                     Outstretched, lay a hand.

                     It had reached out to touch and to hold and to comfort.

                     Helped pick up from irrevelance,
                     The shattered,
                     Patient and selfish...
                     A soul more tortured than I.

                     Offered more hope than any other,
                     Allowed me to see once more.

                     And in return,
                     For all the healing of my wounds,
                     All I have to offer... is eternal love,
                     And forever a place in my heart.
:iconmoonbeam13:
Describing poetry is redundant :)
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:iconhif:
Personally, you'd do better if you dropped the exagerated sentimentality and introduced any range of the varying poetic devices (i.e. improved metaphors), a little 'wit' (an ironic perception of the world that tends to point out incongruencies) or maybe even a rhyming scheme (tho that isn't important).

If you want to pass this poem as something you've actually cared about, you might need to work at it for a good tad.

i.e.
Helped pick up from irrevelance,
The shattered,
Patient and selfish...
A soul more tortured than I.

is not only a short summary of what every 14 year old angsty teenager has ever contributed to the genre (me included) but also furthers the stagnation of whatever imagery you were trying to pass along.

If you to introduce the concept that once upon a time you were lonely but, then someone as miserable as you came along into your dark pit of a life, it'd be refreshing to see lonelyness or depression described as something other than a bitter, mysty fog.

Cheers.
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:iconmoonbeam13:
I write my way and you write yours. I don't pretend to be a poet, I simply pen my thoughts as they come and have no intention of polishing those raw emotions but I appreciate your taking the time to comment :)
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:iconjerzchick16:
this piece is absolutely amazing!! everything works so well together and the concept behind it is wonderful!! :+fav: excellent work :D
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:iconghouldaddy:
`Ghouldaddy Dec 9, 2004  Professional Photographer
.... wow. great work danilele. :hug:
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:iconsuperkev:
`superkev Dec 9, 2004  Professional Photographer
:hug:
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:icondainsane1:
*dainsane1 Dec 8, 2004  Professional Artisan Crafter
briliant
you brought me right in to take part
for the first half i was thinking about how i like fog (its shiny)
then just as these shoughts about fog were comming togethor came the line about the out stretched hand and it felt like mine...

??? i've said too much alredy but ya yay poem :bow:
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:iconhummuss:
Very good, indeed :)
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